AN INJURED WING

My yoga journey started 4 and 1/2 years ago. I was not sure about this whole "yoga" thing, so I told myself that I was going purely for the exercise. I was immediately hooked. The sweat, the physicality, the athleticism intrigued me. I saw someone in class doing a handstand, and my immediate goal was to be able to achieve that. 

So I started practicing a few times a week, and began working towards achieving athletic excellence in my practice. To me, that meant nailing every arm balance, forearm balance and handstand. I've always been extremely competitive, so when I saw someone in class doing something intriguing, I spent the next week working on it until I got it. (I must say that I have a background in dance, so many of these inversion-based poses came more naturally to me.) And then I took the next natural step. I became a teacher. And I loved it.

I loved being able to not only share my love of yoga with others, but I loved the challenge of using creativity to create strong, challenging sequences for my students. (I am still teaching to this day and I still love that challenge.) 

Life was great. I was enjoying being a student, conquering even more challenging poses and achieving goals. I was enjoying being a teacher, and seeing growth in my students. And then this happened.

I tore my rotator cuff. I was cleaning my house, reaching up with my left arm to clean something I usually never do, and through some fluke, two days later I couldn't lift my arm. I immediately had to adjust my practice and took a couple weeks off to rest the shoulder. I didn't see a doctor until a few months after because I just didn't think anything of it. When I received the news of my torn rotator cuff, impingement of the shoulder and torn labrum, I was heart-broken. I cried for week, and was depressed for a month. See, the average length of recovery for this type of injury, after surgery, is 6-12 months. I just couldn't except it. I didn't want to. Seriously, from cleaning my house? 

I took another month to get a second opinion (which was essentially the same report), talk to my friends and mentors and get some feedback from those whom I trusted. Some warned me against surgery, and suggested a more holistic approach. Some agreed and told me it was going to be ok. I can't explain all of the different emotions that were going through my head at this time. I was in denial. I was in grief. 

After berating my doctor one final time, I went with my gut and decided to have surgery. I wasn't willing to risk the injury getting worse and not being able to use my arm in my 40's. And I realize this decision can be controversial, especially in a holistic world, such as yoga, but I just felt it was the right one. So I went under the knife. 

I wanted to give you some backstory first, but the whole point of this article is to tell you what I've learned through this process. So here it goes. Here are five things I've learned from having an injured wing:

1. My self-worth is more than my physical strength.

I knew having surgery and the process of recovery was going to be difficult, but I didn't realize how difficult. My first physical therapy appointment, I could barely lift my arm. My physical therapist said, that I was really weak, and I cried. I was used to people telling me I was strong. And I realized that was a big part of my self-worth. Now I couldn't rely on that. My self-worth needs to be so much more than just my physical strength, and I'm learning that the hard way. 

2. Patience is hard. 

This is pretty obvious, so I'll keep it short and sweet. Patience is not my middle name. In fact, if you were to ask my husband if I'm a patient person he would probably laugh. However, situations like these demand patience. So there it is. Patience is hard, but I'm working on it.

3. I am supported and loved, immensely.

 I can honestly say that I was and am still surprised by all of the support and love I have received through this journey. My first thought is, "why would anyone care?" However, I received so many meals, texts, notes, phone calls, hugs and visits from people who love me, immensely. Still to this day I get the question, "how is your shoulder?" I just can't believe that anyone would care that much to ask, and it makes me feel loved. And I am extremely grateful.

4. I feel more compassion now for those in pain. 

When you go through something like this, you begin to understand pain. And not just physical pain, but emotional as well. I feel more deeply now for those around me who are in constant pain. Pain is debilitating. It dries you of energy, of life. And it's through the support of others, prayer and submission that one can begin to be lifted of that burden. 

5. God is in control.

This is another obvious one, however, it's so hard to actually apply. Yes. God is in control. That does not mean that we don't go through times of grief, depression, pain and doubt. I strongly believe, however, that we go through times like these in order to learn. To make us stronger. To help us grow into better people. And while God never desires for us to be in pain, He encourages us to turn to Him when we are. And when we do, we can begin to truly understand peace. We can begin to truly understand rest. 

Sometimes we will face moments of bliss. Sometimes we will face moments of trial. I believe what we learn from those moments of trial far outweigh those moments of bliss. I am far from perfect. And I will never be perfect. But I believe in using hardship to grow as an individual. I believe in trusting in Him to guide me in the right direction. And I believe that although I will have many more injured wings, I will be ok.